Alan at the beach

Week 1.

At last, the summer is here and the time has come to visit the beach.  Last week, after a very hot Thursday, Alan and I tootled off to Highcliffe for a cool off. "Bloody Hell" said Alan after taking a calculated run into the water and diving straight under the first wave that approached. "The water was a bit warmer when we were visiting Australia at the beginning of the year. I think I have been spoilt, because this is freezing"  I told him to look on the bright side, because at least there are no salt water crocodiles or sharks in the Solent. He then proceeded to stand around, wandering aimlessly for about 15 minutes, before finally dunking down and having a swim.  Alan you are getting soft in your old age, I thought.  Anyway, after a lovely picnic, we returned home, with Alan stating that he would return the following week with his body board and do some surfing.

Week 2.

As promised, Thursday came and the sun was out, so off we went again.  This week, Alan remembered to take the body boards and we were also accompanied by our lovely friend Delilah.  I found it amazing how quickly Alan could get in the sea, when looking to impress.  Poor Alan had forgotten his flip flops, so it was quite entertaining watching him wave his arms around and try to hobble over the stoney beach.  We discovered that he soon sped up when being filmed on Delilah's iPhone!  He was in the water as quick as a flash today, but unfortunately, the sea was as flat as a pancake, so the body boards were useless.  A half an hours relaxing swim took place and Alan's question of the day prompted quite a discussion.

"Why, when the water is cold, do ladies bits go hard and stick out, but men's bits go soft and stick in" I must admit that this was quite an interesting fact that I had never really thought of before. Obviously, this was mystifying to Alan so as usual, I made a mental note to google this when we got back.

All good things come to an end and it was soon time to prepare for home.  A rather odd lady who had been having a swim, was then wandering around the beach collecting pebbles.  She told me that she was covering them in felt and then decorating them.......to make them look like pebbles.  I couldn't help thinking that this was a weird thing to do, and a complete waste of time,  but hey ho, it takes all-sorts.  I definitely think she had taken a liking to Alan, as she seemed to locate lots of perfect specimens in close proximity to him, when he was fumbling under his towel changing his undergarments. Luckily, he managed to change without exposing himself, and giving the pebble lady the shock of her life.

Whilst packing up our belongings,  Alan was interested to find a new pot of Vaseline under a stone that had obviously fallen out of someone's bag. "This would be perfect for lubricating my shears" he said.  I made him throw it away. Time to go home Alan.

Delilah kindly brought us delicious fish and chips for supper, bless her. I was a bit concerned, because the odd pebble lady then turned up behind us in the queue.  Look out Alan, I think perhaps you may have attracted a stalker when you were showing off your rippling muscles on the beach. Hmm, perhaps it was a mistake signing the lifeboat petition on the chip shop counter with our name and address in full view.  We are hoping that the next time she comes to the beach for a swim, she may forget about the pebbles in her pockets.  Lets keep our fingers crossed!!

Alan on the road.

Today's blog could end up in divorce, because its on the topic of driving. As long as we have been on the road, there have been debates on whether Men or Women are the better drivers. Let me tell you about Alan.

Firstly, Alan is the only person that I know, who has managed to throw himself through the back windscreen of a car when riding a Puch Maxi. Now, those of you of a younger generation will not know what one of these is, so I suggest you ask the master of all knowledge that is 'Google' if you are not sure.  Your first thought might be that young reckless teenager Alan was riding a super bike resembling a rocket so fast, that he propelled himself into the said car. However, this was not the case. In actual fact, he was bombing along at about 20 miles an hour, and neglected to see a car reversing along the road towards him. Luckily, although the driver of the car was a bit shocked to find an intruder arrive in his back seat, nobody was seriously hurt. It was time for Alan to progress to the safer option of 4 wheels and find a car.

The Hillman Imp is not really a cool option for a car.  (Once again, refer to Google images) Resembling a matchbox on wheels, with something akin to a lawn mower engine in the boot, it would not have been my first choice. Alan however, was in love with his little car and did emphasise quite a lot that it was not just a Hillman Imp, but a Hillman Imp Sport. Well, obviously this made all the difference and to enhance Alan's manly image, he proceeded to pimp the car and add a 6 foot arial on the roof. This was to assist with the CB radio reception which was a priority in those days. In the old days, it was very trendy to have a coloured sticker right across the top of you windscreen with your name printed on it. Alan decided to purchase one of these stickers, as the final touch required to make his super car, super cool. Instead of having his proper name printed, he went for his CB handle. (For those of you under the age of 40, this is like an appropriate 'user name' that you choose for yourself, for when you use a CB radio.)  You may think Alan would go for something like 'Butch Bucknole' or 'Handsom Hulk' but no, Alan's car was labelled with 'Worzel'. (A not overly attractive scarecrow off the telly!) Alan's car was now ready for the road. One of my memories of Alan's first journey was when he took my Mum for a spin around Alresford to show off his new wheels. Alan can get easily distracted, and on spotting a friend walking up the town, Alan momentarily forgot that he was driving. As he also forgot to look where he was going and took a little trip on the pavement, frightening my mum to death!

In 1981, Alan went to college. At last, with the influence of his mates, he got a bit more classy and borrowed £500 to purchase a canary yellow Ford Capri. This was more like it! Built to look more like a rocket than the Hillman Imp, you had to basically lay down in the driving seat with your legs outstretched before you, as the required driving position. Unfortunately, one evening, Alan managed to implant this lovely car into a big grassy bank, when he was taking a sharp bend at the speed of a formula 1 car. The trusty Haynes Manual had to come out and a few trips to the scrap yard were made before it was fixed and back on the road.

Other little incidents came later and include Alan driving into the back of a car, whilst in a slow moving queue in Winchester.  Once again, he was waving to someone he spotted near by and didn't realise that the cars in front had stopped.  Another time, 2 weeks after buying our shiny new car, Alan decided to put the wind up a young Lada driver who was driving too close behind him. Alan put on the brakes to give him a shock and he ploughed right into the back of us. Our new car spent two weeks in the garage but the Lada that was built like a tank, didn't have a scratch on it.

Alan used to be what we call a 'Sunday Driver', but since leaving the farm I have to admit that he has improved.  He now drives miles for work every day, but age seems to have been accompanied by impatience and Alan now gets 'road rage'.  If you do not indicate on a roundabout, travel endlessly in the middle lane of the motorway, overtake in your lorry and hold the traffic up, dither at traffic lights or take your time parallel parking, look out for Alan.  He will be the one giving you hand signals from the car behind!

Alan's best friend.

Alan has lots of good friends and if you think that you could be top of the list, I am sorry to bring disapointment. That acolade goes to the one and only  'Jack Daniels'. In fact I have come to the conclusion that any drink with an alcoholic content of more than 4% could be in the running as Alan's best friend.  I have often wondered where Alan's love of alcohol has come from and after a bit of thought, I have come to the conclusion that his Grandmother and Grandfather (god rest their souls) may well be responsible.  His Grandma was renowned for her sherry trifle, which should in fact have been called 'trifle sherry' due to the volumn of drink that she would pour into the bowl. In addition, I once witnessed his Grandad putting a 'little something stronger' in Alan's coffee. while we were visiting one day for a chat. "What is wrong with this" I hear you say, but I am sure that Cinzano is not the choice of normal people? Is it?

Alan seems to have given himself a bit of a reputation for being a drinker. When invited to friends parties, you never know what he will produce as his contribution.  When most people would bring crisps or sausage rolls, Alan will turn up with two dozen absynth jellies in assorted colours, conveniently set in shot glasses. Only yesterday when attending a post wedding cheese and wine party, instead of a nice cabernet sauvignon, Alan brought vodka, ginger beer and a bag of limes. He  then preceded to make jugs of Moscow Mules, (a very tasty cocktail) for everyone. And yes, they were very nice, but I was a little concerned that the brides father may topple over when he eventually stood up from his chair.  He did rather enjoy a glass or six!

For any responsible parents still reading, please skip this paragraph as it may spoil you current opinion of Alan. When your 10 year old son asks if we can pop into The Flower Pots for a glass of Stowford Press I have to say that alarm bells were set off. Was Alan's love of alcohol rubbing off on the children? Once, when given a couple of bags of spare apples, Alan tutored our number 3 son in producing a rather tasty batch of apple cider wine.  Don't normal people make pies or crumbles? Oh, and how many mums have had to stop their 12 year old son from selling apple cider wine to his school friends at £5 per bottle? Luckily, nobody thought to tip off customs and excise and he got away with it, banking £20 in the process.  I think Alan was a bit jealous as he had not had the same level of success when making up his 'Party Four'' kit from Boots in the 70's.

It is scary to think how much Alan's love of drink has cost us financially but a few bairgains have been purchased over the years.  One notable occasion was when Alan did a bit of wheeling and dealing and managed to buy a dead mans' home made wine collection for £10. "Timing is everything" said a well chuffed Alan. The following day he joined a stag party for a weekend of boating and fun.  Alan's bargain paid off as it was reported that he had preceded to drink  a whole bottle of oak leaf wine for his breakfast saving on the purchase of eggs, bacon, toast and tea. Alan can be quite odd sometimes.

We all know that Christmas is a time for drinking and merryment. Alan always seems to have to take things to the extreme and last Christmas was no exception. Alan announced that he wanted Kellogs Frosties for his breakfast.  I just tend to go with the flow, but I did feel slightly sick when he covered them in lashings of Baileys Irish Cream.  His response was "IT'S CHRISTMAS!

Anyway, to finish my writing today, we will end where we started, with Mr Daniels. Alan is currently working on a project to convert a Jack Daniels bottle in to a table lamp. He has been in discussion with a clever creative friend and it looks like it will be a goer.  OK readers, with the evidence given, would you agree that Alan has alcohol issues? When asking Alan if he thinks he is an alcoholic he says "definitely not. Alcoholics have to have a drink as soon as they wake up, don't they?"  Hmmmm, perhaps he should read my blog.

Dressing Up for fun.

Today I am going to tell you about Alan's dressing up escapades. I have to admit that a great amount of planning, shopping and preparation is carried out for Alan's outfits until Alan is finally satisfied with the end result, which in the past has ranged from kinky Frankenfurter from the Rocky Horror Show, to Worzel Gummidge off the telly.

Women have featured a couple of times in Alans repotois with noticible appearances from Tina Turner and Ting Tong from Tooting. (What is it with ladies starting with T?) Tina Turners boots were purchased on ebay. Thigh length patent PVC with 4 inch heels, they were red and black and had to be laced from the bottom to the top.  Alan had lessons to perfect his ladies walk but I think he got confused as it ended up more like a John Wayne swagger.  That night when we were out, we had a theft at our house. I can only imagine what the thieves must have thought when they were casing the joint and saw a rather large bandy woman trying to walk to the car.  "They deserve to get robbed looking like that!" 2 days after the party, I was amazed when Alan successfully re-sold the boots to a man in London. I guess it takes allsorts.

Ting Tong from Tooting brought us different challenges. Being a Thai lady, Alan's rosy complexion needed a little work. After some careful consideration and a little improvisation, we discovered that curry powder made an excellent foundation for covering the skin. It took quite a lot of hard work to persuade Alan of this but eventually Ting Tong was created and wearing a lovely green velvet mini dress, off we went to the New Year's fancy dress party. I am pleased to report that the evening was a great success apart from a few complaints about a weird spicy smell and that when Alan changed into normal attire and fell asleep in the chair, he was still wearing his cherry red lipstick. Yes folks, there is photographic evidence available.

A lot of time and effort is put into Alan's costumes, for example, Worzel Gummidges hat was hung outside for days so that it could be covered in authentic pigeon shit! I really think things were taken slightly too far though, when Alan decided to go to the OAP Fancy Dress party in a home made coffin. Measurements were taken and a full sized coffin was made from some lightweight plastic sheeting that had been 'acquired' from work. It was slightly unnerving when I had to lie down in the construction so that Alan could secure the sides, but eventually it was put together, painted oak brown and had RIP enscribed on the front.  Alan was to wear it upright and shuffle along with his feet at the bottom.  Alan was very pleased with his efforts but had neglected to think of one little problem.  As we did not have the pleasure of owning a full size black hearse and the party was in Whitchurch how could transportation take place? Luckily we had a landrover (phew) and with all of the seats down and me squashed in the passenger footwell, off we went. I have to say that our friends were a bit shocked when they opened their front door and there was a coffin stood on the doorstep but luckily they were not too traumatised.  Their children thought it was great fun  and spent the evening sitting in it and whizzing down the stairs.  I was slightly amused when at school the following Monday, the children had written all about "playing in daddys friends coffin" in their news!

Alan loves to dress up and if my blog so far does not convince you, last Christmas, and for the sole reason that it was Christmas Eve, he decided to wear an elf costume to the pub. It was slightly embarrassing as we met some friends and caught the bus. Unfortunately for Alan, we all sat with a bit of distance between him and us, but the passengers seemed amused and he did have some funny comments. My friends Mum saw the photo of Alan the elf on Facebook and asked "Did anyone else dress up?" . "Did he do it for a bet?" The answer to both of these questions is no and I think that says it all really.

Alan, a child hater or not?

Well it seems that Spring has arrived and the sun is showing itself at last.  Whilst everyone starts to chill out and enjoy the lovely weather, the opposite is true for Alan.  This is why. Once again, the children in our street are able to whizz up and down the road on their bikes and exciting games of football are taking place on the grassy area at the side of our house. Now when you were young, I am sure that you all remember having a neighbour who was less than friendly and perhaps you even named him Victor Meldrew? Well I have come to the conclusion that Alan is ours.  Only last week, the mother of a sweet little 6 year old girl had to come and knock on the door as her daughter was in floods of tears. Her football had been accidentally kicked into our garden an Alan had decided not to throw it back.  "They bloody well do it on purpose" he said, although I can't really see why they would jeopardise their fun in this way.  Also, Alan shot out of the house in a rage the other day to "give them a piece of his mind", when he thought that the sporadic dull thuds that he could hear in the kitchen were them kicking the ball against our side wall. In actual fact, and to my amusement, it was only a pair of trainers having a quick wash in the washing machine that were causing the thuds, but it was fun to watch him run outside and then return slightly confused.  I am pleased to report that the children have now devised an early warning system for when Alan returns home from work. They were heard whispering " quick, he's home. Lets get out of here".

Alan has not always had this dislike for children.  When ours were young he was keen to do 'man' things with them and teach them useful skills. While watching an old home video recently, I was reminded of when Alan was responsible for the purchase of No. 3 sons' Christmas present. "A tool box would be really handy" and "he would be well chuffed to receive this" said Alan. I am not really convinced that Father Christmas  makes a habit of delivering gifts such as an axe, a hacksaw and a Stanley knife to 10 year olds, but he did that year! (Health & Safety was not really on Alan's mind in those days.)

There is one other event that sticks in my mind that I shall tell you about.  Alan is very keen on attending car boot sales and would often shoot off on a Sunday morning in search of so called 'bargains'. Well, this particular day, he returned home, pleased as punch with his latest purchase, which believe it or not, was a pair of handcuffs.  "These are real" he announced. "Not some plastic cheap toys, but real metal handcuffs". Now, I have to admit to being slightly concerned at the time and I wondered what his reasoning was for buying such an odd item?  I was therefore pretty relieved when he gave the handcuffs and the key to our children to play cops and robbers with.  Later however, this purchase was responsible for one of the most embarrassing moments in my lifetime.  Now I know how your minds are probably working, but this is what happened.  Can you imagine how mortified I felt when I had to phone the mother of a child, who had been invited over to play, to explain the following: "I am so sorry, but please could you delay the collection of your son as he is currently handcuffed to the taps in our kitchen and the key has been mislaid. I will call you when Alan returns with a hacksaw to free him". Fortunately, the handcuffs were then disposed of and instructions were given to Alan on more appropriate gifts that he could purchase in future.

So what do you think, does Alan like children? Well I think that the evidence here speaks for itself. Just take my advice and don't leave your children unsupervised with Alan. AT ANY TIME.

Alan Titchmarsh? No just Alan

Yes, it's that time of year again. For the last 5 years, Alan has been the proud owner of an allotment and every spring, excitement mounts as he plans, cogitates and prepares his garden.  As usual our lovely sunny conservatory is turned into a smelly potting shed.  Potatoes have been carefully laid out on egg boxes and picnic tables covered in newspaper are arranged with seed trays full of dirty compost.

Alan continues to display strange behaviour on a regular basis, and this weekend has been no different. I have to admit to being slightly confused when yesterday, he spent 4 hours at the allotment in continuous heavy driving rain, only to arrive home completely dry?  Now, there could be various reasons for this.  Is Alan having an affair? Is Alan sat idrinking tea n the Allotment Shop with Stuart, the manager? God forbid, is Alan having an affair with the Allotment Shop Manager?!! During intensive questioning, Alan finally confessed that he had been shopping. Now, those of you that know Alan will know that this is his other hobby and is perfectly believable however later observations have thrown up some doubt. The poorly geranium on our kitchen windowsill, has no leaves and bright red blooms on 12inch stems. As it is in dire need of chopping up and having cuttings taking, I queried this with Alan. He simply replied that he "had no compost". Now, interestingly, Alan stated yesterday that he had been shopping to the garden centre. Do you not think that compost would have been purchased then? Alan said that he had forgotten it but I am not so sure. I think I need to keep a close eye on Alan and Stuart. Watch this space.

Today, Although I tasked Alan to find a little holiday cottage for us to rent, he was once again distracted and drew a very detailed plan of what is going to be grown on his allotment. There will be juicy soft summer fruits, bright coulorful scented flowers and delicious freshly grown vegetables.  One spot on the map was simply marked "gooseberry" but I was not able to work out if this was a fruit bush or where Alan would sit to have his lunch! I don't think he was amused when I questioned him. Oh, and we still don't have a holiday cottage booked.

Today the sun came out and Alan was chuffed with his progress.  The egg trays full of smelly shooting potatoes were removed from the conservatory (hooray), and Alan proudly announced that he now had 7 rows of potatoes planted and ready to grow.  Oh dear, I thought.  When will Alan realise that there are only 2 of us here to feed. Recently I passed a maths qualification needed for a course that I am enrolled to.  This came in very handy for working out the following.  If Alan planted an average of 12 potatoes per row, and each plant produces approximately 10 potatoes, I make that a total of 840 potatoes arriving in the summer. Considering that we eat a lot of rice and pasta and only about 20 potatoes a month, I forecast that we will have a surplus of about 600 potatoes!

I will keep you updated with the status of the allotment over the next few months but in the meantime, I need to get on the phone and see if I can do a deal with Mr Walkers.

Our week. Featuring; The Isle of Mull, Dogging, Class Calculator and a Wide Mouth Frog.

After a busy Easter weekend things are back to normal in our household. Work has been as busy as usual but thanks to my lovely colleagues, we have had a few laughs.  A slight slip up nearly caused catastrophic embarrassment when discussing the TV highlights of the week. I was interested to hear that Channel 4 were showing a documentary on the activity of 'Dogging'. My limited knowledge of this weird pastime comes from tales relating to a nearby layby on the A31 and so I was intrigued to find out what really goes on in the woods at night.   My colleague was very thoughtful and decided to email me the details I required. Unfortunately, I did not receive the said email and so panic ensued.  Who had received my email? I have to say that I was slightly worried when I considered the fact that another colleagues had got my message "Hi Sally.  Dogging, Thursday night at 10pm." Would I be able to show my face at work again?  Fortunately the wording was not quite as I had imagined and on checking the facts, phew, the email had gone to a safe place.  The Dogging programme was pretty rubbish but a few interesting facts were noted.  One particular lorry driver announced that 70% of his mates indulged in this hobby.  Interesting, as lorry drivers crop up later in my blog. Alan was also keen to watch Dogging on Channel 4 as he thought that it would be interesting to see someone he knew.  Personally, I think he was making sure that the TV cameras had not managed to catch him up to no good!!

This week, as a bit of fun, I decided to carry out the BBC Class Calculator so that I could identify where abouts on the new scale, I am located. I was quite impressed to find out that I am in the Established Middle Class band.  Alan said that this is bollocks so on further investigation, I discovered that 45% of the population are also Established Middle Class.  Oh dear, the only conclusion that I have made is that in this case, I must be common. Trust Alan to spoil my fun.   Interestingly, if I had socialised with lorry drivers, I would have fallen down the class ladder a couple of notches so I think they must have watched the dogging programme on Channel 4 too.

I know that my readers are interested in Alan's strange behaviour and he doesn't disappoint.  Now Alan is not what you will call a literary man and his reading material mainly consists of 'The Sun' and 'Electrician Weekly' .  A trip to Waterstones or the library does not feature on Alans agenda so that is why the following occurance caused me some bemusement. After a holiday in 1998 to the Isle of Mull, Alan has been traipsing around book shops, and tralling the Internet for a book that he had seen at a friends house in Scotland. At last after 15 years, 'The Beautiful Isle of Mull' by Thomas Hannan has been found and purchased. Alan was exited to show me his new book. I imagined a lovely large book with amazing glossy photos of beautiful Scottish Countryside and scenic photographs of mountains, glens and rivers, but no.  Instead, 6 x 4 inches in size, nearly 100 years old, a few grainy black and white photos with lots of writing and mouldy edged pages, this book was not what I was expecting.  Alan proudly explained that thanks to EBay, the book had come all the way from Chicago in the USA at a cost of $56.  Well I have to say that I did cough a little at this and i made a note to myself...let the boys know its value so that it doesn't go in the bin when we are no longer here.  At least the book is finally here and Alan can focus on more pressing tasks like painting the hallway. I am sure now that 'The Beautiful Isle of Mull' by Thomas Hannan will be placed onto our bookshelves next to Alan's only other book purchase.  'Fly Fishing' by J R Hartley!

I will end my blog quietly and calmly which is completely the opposite to the way I ended my working afternoon earlier. It was fun to leave my work mates in fits of laughter but the 'Wide Mouth Frog' joke has really played havoc with my lips!

Keep smiling :-))

Alan's return.

I am pleased to say that the stag and his mates have returned safe and sound from 'The Dam'. (See last blog!)  I performed my dutiful wife bit and collected him from the airport however he did look a little tired and worse for wear.  He was pleased to be back in one piece and informed me that he had narrowly missed out on having "Sally" tattooed on his butt cheek. I think the tattooist should be very relieved as it would not have been the best view in the world.

Alan's mates have known him for quite a while and are aware of the pitfalls of sleeping in the same room.  Some were very organised and packed their ear plugs into their suitcases, however, some did not.  Apparently on the second night, Alan was relegated to the shower room which had a door that could be firmly closed. Alan's mattress was lifted and carried from the bed into the shower room with him still asleep on it and everyone was able to sleep again.

Rather a lot of alcohol was consumed over the weekend and Alan informed me that he had been tricked into drinking some Spanish Fly.  On referring to the online search engine of Google, it tells you that Spanish Fly is a form of aphrodisiac or Viagra.  Fortunately there seemed to be no side effects from this, or indeed no effects at all much to Alan's disappointment! Actually it did say that in extreme circumstances, you could die so it must have been Alan's lucky day!

Well, so far these are the only tales that I have been informed off but if Alan reveals any further information or talks in his sleep, you shall be the first to know.

Alan in Amsterdam

You have all heard of 'Tulips in Amsterdam' but this weekend it is Alan's turn. Along with a dozen or so mates, he has gone for a weekend of culture and frivolity.  It is actually a stag weekend but Alan has reassured me that they will be visiting Librarys'and the 'Van Gogh Museum'. I was impressed with his preparation as he informed me that he had learnt a useful little phrase.  "Bril Omhoog" has been perfected and according to his mate translates to "Glassess Up" however, there may be foul play at hand as it has been suggested that "Toilet Seat Up" or "I want to be gang banged by dwarfs" may be more likely.

In Alan's current employment, he has become very 'Health & Safety' aware and so before embarking on his trip, he has carried out a rather basic risk assessment. Do not eat any mushrooms that may be offered and do not fall in any canals. Yes, that is it! Actually, he was going to leave his new iPhone 5 at home, as falling in canals worried him, but I eventually managed to persuade him to take it as a safety feature.  I thought that with its GPS setting installed, it may come in handy for tracking him down if he goes missing, especially if he comes across any dwarfs.

In Alan's lifetime, he has experienced quite a few interesting stag weekends and has many stories to tell. I am sure more tales will emerge from 'The Dam' as Alan has referred to his trip, but please can we have you all back in one piece without any injuries or arrests this time. Please note, no more garden chairs or silverware are required (please tell lightfingered Dan). The 'wetting your trousers competition' is very childish, stealing boats is illegal, running around naked is embarrassing and necking a bottle of oak leaf wine at breakfast will play havoc with your liver. Ending the weekend with an anus like a blood orange was also painful so please do not indulge in daffodil eating again.  (I am sure this will probably include tulips too.)

Hopefully, there will be a video or two taken, so that Alan and his friends can reflect on their activities. Last time, the 'Dave Production Company' were very creative and produced a film called  "Man having a beer baby".  Alan took the lead role and weirdly, this has proved very popular on You Yube, being watched by no less than 4500 viewers!

Alan is due back home on Sunday and I can only keep my fingers crossed that they do actually let him come back. He last returned with the nickname 'Rear Admiral Whip Me Senseless Bucknole' so we shall see what Sunday brings. Watch this space!

Alan and the 'Bake Off'.

Alan is not the best cook in the world. Only 2 weeks ago, he narrowly avoided setting fire to the kitchen when cooking my jacket potato in the microwave.  I was slightly concerned when I arrived home to a smoky fog and a black charcoal formation on my dinner plate. "It's time for a bit of tuition" I thought to myself. Especially as Alan is planning to enter the 'Great Sparsholt Bake Off' to show off his skills. As I am sure that the Sparsholt staff do not want a visit from the Hampshire Fire Brigade, (mind you, some of us wouldn't mind!) I offered him some tips:

Tip No 1. When cooking a fist size potato in the microwave, do not set the timer for 10 minutes and then go off for a shower. You need to concentrate on the job at hand and not become distracted.  Oh yes, that brings me on to,
Tip No 2. Timing is everything.  When the instructions on the pizza box say "Cook for 10 mins", you do not have to wait until it is a dark brown colour and crispy texture. I know it is difficult when the TV programme you are watching is on for 30 mins but you really need to get up earlier and remove from the oven.
Tip No 3. Quantity. Portion size is important to get right and I know that this can be tricky. The amazing kedgeree that you made was delicious for the first time that I had it, but by day 5, it had slightly lost its appeal.  Darling Alan, please remember that there are 2 of us. Not 20.
Tip No 4. When boiling sugar and fruit to make jam, please remember that the key word 'boiling' actually means very, very, very hot. Pouring it into my plastic sieve was not the most intelligent thing that you have done. Was it surprising that the bottom fell out onto the floor along with the jam?!
Tip No 5 is a bit of an odd one really. When cooking an omelette in a frying pan, be careful with the lid. Watching you continuously bashing it on the draining board because a vacuum prevented the lid from coming off, was a slightly disturbing experience. The steam coming from your facial orifices and the purple colour of your face did worry me. Not to mention the eventual state of the omelette!  Please STAY CALM at all times.

Moving on to the 'Bake Off', Alan had decided to enter the 'Principles Preserves' class and the 'Technical Challenge' (gulp). A jar of summer strawberry jam and freshly prepared marmalade (Alan called this his "Paddingtons' Special Reserve") were duly labelled up. For the technical challenge, Alan had to make 6 scones.  This took a bit of planning so after consulting Delia, Jamie, Nigella and a few of their friends for about 2 hours, he got down to his baking.  I think he had listened to my tips apart from the quantity part, as he managed to generously deliver scones to his sister, our son and our 2 Mums for Mothers Day. Still, he had his 6 perfect specimens for the competition and they duly set off to Sparsholt, along with the jam to be tasted, scrutinised, judged and finally marked in the big competition.

The results are now in and I am pleased to inform you all that Alan's strawberry jam and Paddingtons Special Reserve came in at a respectable 2nd and 3rd placing from approximately 12 entries. As for the scones, they did well coming in at runners up. (There were only 3 entries in this class but we won't mention that!)

Alan agonised over entering his Paddingtons Special Reserve Marmalade as he really wanted it for his breakfast. In the end, as all entries were to be sold off for charity, I was tasked to buy it back for him. This would have made it a very expensive jar of marmalade after already spending out on the ingredients and paying an entry fee, however some other lucky person snapped it up before me and will be enjoying it for the next few weeks on their toast.

Overall Alan is very pleased with himself and is already thinking about what he could make as a 'Show Stopper Challenge" if they run the 'Bake Off' again.  When informing him of his success his words were, "Just call me Gordon". I know his language is up to Gordon's standard but feel he will need a bit more work on his baking!

Election Fever in Eastleigh

Into politics? Eastleigh is the place to be. Unfortunately, the majority of Eastleigh residents probably wish that they had lived elsewhere during the last couple of weeks. 'The Big Guns have been wheeled out' according to the papers, with the highlight being....No, not the Prime Minister or even the Deputy Prime Minister but dear old Boris who, looking like an overgrown schoolboy having a bad hair day, everyone loves!

It has been very interesting to watch Alan read and digest the tonnes of information that has been thrust through our letter box.  The green recycling bins will all be full of the same rubbish which must amuse the dustmen! Every evening, we have been delighted to receive many lovely ("WHY DON'T YOU JUST BOG OFF") telephone calls from friendly people wanting little chats with us and our door bell is looking forward to a rest, not only from being rung, but from Alan shouting four letter words at it.

With 14 weird and wonderful candidates putting themselves up for election and Alan's love of dodgy outdated music, I thought that the "Elvis Loves Pets Party" would definitely be the chosen one but then I remembered that Alan loves beer and crumpet more.  Yes, there really is a Beer, Baccy and Crumpet Party! Alan had commented that the guy from the Peace Party looked strange and that he would enjoy a Dave Gig, (not sure what that says about us as we have enjoyed Dave Gigs for the last 20 years!) so I thought maybe this would be an option but after changing his mind on a daily basis, his vote was finally cast today.  My vote has also been successfully cast after embarrassingly queuing in the wrong place and narrowly avoiding the Weight Watchers meeting that was taking place in the next room!

And lastly, I am proud to report that number one son voted for the first ever time today. It has taken him 9 years but I feel that he has finally come of age. He was a bit unsure as to who he had voted for as he was in a hurry but practice will make perfect!

Alan's idea

You may have read my earlier post that referred to the purchase of Alan's new van. To enable the purchase of this, Alan had to borrow money some money from the bank and today Alan was keen to discuss a great opportunity for paying it back.  You see, Alan has read an article in the paper explaining how becoming a sperm donor can earn you lots of money.  "You can earn up to £250 a time" Alan was keen to tell me. Hmm, I thought, this could be interesting!

Alan then went on to explain that in his opinion, he would be a perfect specimen of a man for this purpose. " I am in excellent health, have really good eyesight for a man approaching 50, and there is no record of cancer in my family history".  He then said " I am certain that I would be the ideal type of person that most women would be looking for".  This then got me to thinking how all men think that they are gods gift to women.  Has Alan forgotten about his receding hair line, his shorter than average legs or his beer belly? His ingrowing toe nails, rosy cheeks and larger than average ear lobes? Now Alan, I love you as you are but it is your self confidence that astounds me!!

Anyway, Alan has not mentioned his new possible career prospect again today so I will update you if he sends off for an application form!

Tricked!

The fun of being married is getting one over on your hubby.  A perfect example occurred earlier this week when a few sneaky moves enabled me to become a scary stalker. Flicking through interesting apps on my iPhone, I discovered an app called "find your friends". Now that we all have mobile phones with GPS settings, we can be located in an instant by the large telephone companies.  How useful this could be when hubby Alan disappears for hours without leaving a note I thought. My fingers hastily downloaded this new fascinating app and my deception began. "Alan" I said, "I have a new app that has the ability to locate your mobile if it is lost or stolen." "It's a bit like Big Brother" he replies. "Can I add you" I politely ask.  He wasn't really sure but because he has good manners, he happily replied to the link that I sent him and Hey Presto, the deed was done.

And so my stalking has begun. At breakfast, I can see if he has arrived at his work destination safely. When I am at work, I can see if he is still working at 3pm or if he has worked a short day and is at home shopping on the Internet.  There are many useful advantages but none can beat today's. On arriving home from work, and finding the house in darkness, it was apparent that Alan was out.  "Where could he be?" I pondered. And then I remembered my app. Within a few seconds I had identified that he was 7 miles away in Winchester and it was then that I had a light bulb moment. I realised that I could curl up in a chair with my book and by regularly checking my app, I would be able to see when he was coming home. This was perfect. I tracked him until about 2 miles from home then I made my way quickly to the kitchen and started cooking tea. It was only a 10 minute stir fry so when  Alan walked through the door, I was putting it out on a plate! He was none the wiser and I could smugly eat my tea without any guilt! I advise you all to try it.

I am sure that my stalking abilities will have untold uses so watch this space.

The new van

Alan has never really grown up.  We have been married for 28 years and his exploits never cease to amaze me.

This week, Alan has purchased a new van. The old van is on its last legs and it's indoor shower is starting to lose it's appeal. After weeks of studying various different van shapes, colours, ages and sizes on eBay, he struck it lucky. (Or so he says!) A white Ford Transit Connect that he had been watching and that had then sold, suddenly came back into the picture. It's sale had fallen through and it's owner had chosen Alan to be its new lucky owner. A bargain price of £3,150 cash was agreed and the van collection arranged. Oh yes,I forgot to tell you that  it lived a mere 78 miles away in Croydon! Alan, as safety conscious as ever, collected his cash from the bank, tucked it firmly in his pocket and set off on a busy Friday night on the train to London. After changing at Clappham Junction he finally arrived at the station that was to be his meeting point.  Once here, with cash still safely stashed, he met the seller, a complete stranger, and was driven to finally meet his new van.  Fortunately there was not a gang of muggers waiting to meet a gullible southerner and the transaction took place in the sellers kitchen over a cup of tea. Alan, pleased as punch, drove his new toy home and they both lived happily ever after. (Well so far anyway!)

For Sale.

White van, pretty old, pretty unreliable, central locking that does not work, petrol gauge that has lost it's ability to measure its petrol and indoor shower. Offers invited.

Am I a virgin?

My perfect working day would be to wake up, feed the cats and walk my lovely pack of dogs over the downs in the hazy early sunshine. I would follow this with a light breakfast and then take a steaming mug of coffee off to my study to spend the morning writing, with my cats and dogs curled up around my feet. A large bay window would allow the sun to stream in and during well earned breaks, I would be able to gaze out at wonderful views of the countryside and see my majestic horses grazing in their paddocks at the bottom of the garden. .....................Ok, ok, ok, stop there. Firstly I have no cats, dogs or horses and I live in the middle of a housing estate. My garden is about the size of a postage stamp and has a six foot wooden fence on every side. No view there then! As for writing, I do sit at a desk in an office at Sparsholt College and send brief emails on a regular basis. Does this count as writing? Perhaps not.  And so the reason for this blog is born.

If you are not already bored, please read on.

I am slowly approaching half a century and have decided that I would really like to give this writing lark a go before I pop my clogs. I know that I need to focus on a topic that I know well so I have chosen my poor family to be the subject of my ramblings. I have a husband called Alan, and 3 grown up boys, Matt aged 27, Alex aged 25 and Freddie aged 22. Between them, I could fill pages with their exploits so that should keep me going for a while.

Am I a blog virgin? Yes, but after today I will be able to say that I am a writer - however bad. I hope that you enjoy my stories.