Today I am going to tell you about Alan's dressing up escapades. I have to admit that a great amount of planning, shopping and preparation is carried out for Alan's outfits until Alan is finally satisfied with the end result, which in the past has ranged from kinky Frankenfurter from the Rocky Horror Show, to Worzel Gummidge off the telly.
Women have featured a couple of times in Alans repotois with noticible appearances from Tina Turner and Ting Tong from Tooting. (What is it with ladies starting with T?) Tina Turners boots were purchased on ebay. Thigh length patent PVC with 4 inch heels, they were red and black and had to be laced from the bottom to the top. Alan had lessons to perfect his ladies walk but I think he got confused as it ended up more like a John Wayne swagger. That night when we were out, we had a theft at our house. I can only imagine what the thieves must have thought when they were casing the joint and saw a rather large bandy woman trying to walk to the car. "They deserve to get robbed looking like that!" 2 days after the party, I was amazed when Alan successfully re-sold the boots to a man in London. I guess it takes allsorts.
Ting Tong from Tooting brought us different challenges. Being a Thai lady, Alan's rosy complexion needed a little work. After some careful consideration and a little improvisation, we discovered that curry powder made an excellent foundation for covering the skin. It took quite a lot of hard work to persuade Alan of this but eventually Ting Tong was created and wearing a lovely green velvet mini dress, off we went to the New Year's fancy dress party. I am pleased to report that the evening was a great success apart from a few complaints about a weird spicy smell and that when Alan changed into normal attire and fell asleep in the chair, he was still wearing his cherry red lipstick. Yes folks, there is photographic evidence available.
A lot of time and effort is put into Alan's costumes, for example, Worzel Gummidges hat was hung outside for days so that it could be covered in authentic pigeon shit! I really think things were taken slightly too far though, when Alan decided to go to the OAP Fancy Dress party in a home made coffin. Measurements were taken and a full sized coffin was made from some lightweight plastic sheeting that had been 'acquired' from work. It was slightly unnerving when I had to lie down in the construction so that Alan could secure the sides, but eventually it was put together, painted oak brown and had RIP enscribed on the front. Alan was to wear it upright and shuffle along with his feet at the bottom. Alan was very pleased with his efforts but had neglected to think of one little problem. As we did not have the pleasure of owning a full size black hearse and the party was in Whitchurch how could transportation take place? Luckily we had a landrover (phew) and with all of the seats down and me squashed in the passenger footwell, off we went. I have to say that our friends were a bit shocked when they opened their front door and there was a coffin stood on the doorstep but luckily they were not too traumatised. Their children thought it was great fun and spent the evening sitting in it and whizzing down the stairs. I was slightly amused when at school the following Monday, the children had written all about "playing in daddys friends coffin" in their news!
Alan loves to dress up and if my blog so far does not convince you, last Christmas, and for the sole reason that it was Christmas Eve, he decided to wear an elf costume to the pub. It was slightly embarrassing as we met some friends and caught the bus. Unfortunately for Alan, we all sat with a bit of distance between him and us, but the passengers seemed amused and he did have some funny comments. My friends Mum saw the photo of Alan the elf on Facebook and asked "Did anyone else dress up?" . "Did he do it for a bet?" The answer to both of these questions is no and I think that says it all really.
Sunday, 28 April 2013
Sunday, 21 April 2013
Alan, a child hater or not?
Well it seems that Spring has arrived and the sun is showing itself at last. Whilst everyone starts to chill out and enjoy the lovely weather, the opposite is true for Alan. This is why. Once again, the children in our street are able to whizz up and down the road on their bikes and exciting games of football are taking place on the grassy area at the side of our house. Now when you were young, I am sure that you all remember having a neighbour who was less than friendly and perhaps you even named him Victor Meldrew? Well I have come to the conclusion that Alan is ours. Only last week, the mother of a sweet little 6 year old girl had to come and knock on the door as her daughter was in floods of tears. Her football had been accidentally kicked into our garden an Alan had decided not to throw it back. "They bloody well do it on purpose" he said, although I can't really see why they would jeopardise their fun in this way. Also, Alan shot out of the house in a rage the other day to "give them a piece of his mind", when he thought that the sporadic dull thuds that he could hear in the kitchen were them kicking the ball against our side wall. In actual fact, and to my amusement, it was only a pair of trainers having a quick wash in the washing machine that were causing the thuds, but it was fun to watch him run outside and then return slightly confused. I am pleased to report that the children have now devised an early warning system for when Alan returns home from work. They were heard whispering " quick, he's home. Lets get out of here".
Alan has not always had this dislike for children. When ours were young he was keen to do 'man' things with them and teach them useful skills. While watching an old home video recently, I was reminded of when Alan was responsible for the purchase of No. 3 sons' Christmas present. "A tool box would be really handy" and "he would be well chuffed to receive this" said Alan. I am not really convinced that Father Christmas makes a habit of delivering gifts such as an axe, a hacksaw and a Stanley knife to 10 year olds, but he did that year! (Health & Safety was not really on Alan's mind in those days.)
There is one other event that sticks in my mind that I shall tell you about. Alan is very keen on attending car boot sales and would often shoot off on a Sunday morning in search of so called 'bargains'. Well, this particular day, he returned home, pleased as punch with his latest purchase, which believe it or not, was a pair of handcuffs. "These are real" he announced. "Not some plastic cheap toys, but real metal handcuffs". Now, I have to admit to being slightly concerned at the time and I wondered what his reasoning was for buying such an odd item? I was therefore pretty relieved when he gave the handcuffs and the key to our children to play cops and robbers with. Later however, this purchase was responsible for one of the most embarrassing moments in my lifetime. Now I know how your minds are probably working, but this is what happened. Can you imagine how mortified I felt when I had to phone the mother of a child, who had been invited over to play, to explain the following: "I am so sorry, but please could you delay the collection of your son as he is currently handcuffed to the taps in our kitchen and the key has been mislaid. I will call you when Alan returns with a hacksaw to free him". Fortunately, the handcuffs were then disposed of and instructions were given to Alan on more appropriate gifts that he could purchase in future.
So what do you think, does Alan like children? Well I think that the evidence here speaks for itself. Just take my advice and don't leave your children unsupervised with Alan. AT ANY TIME.
Alan has not always had this dislike for children. When ours were young he was keen to do 'man' things with them and teach them useful skills. While watching an old home video recently, I was reminded of when Alan was responsible for the purchase of No. 3 sons' Christmas present. "A tool box would be really handy" and "he would be well chuffed to receive this" said Alan. I am not really convinced that Father Christmas makes a habit of delivering gifts such as an axe, a hacksaw and a Stanley knife to 10 year olds, but he did that year! (Health & Safety was not really on Alan's mind in those days.)
There is one other event that sticks in my mind that I shall tell you about. Alan is very keen on attending car boot sales and would often shoot off on a Sunday morning in search of so called 'bargains'. Well, this particular day, he returned home, pleased as punch with his latest purchase, which believe it or not, was a pair of handcuffs. "These are real" he announced. "Not some plastic cheap toys, but real metal handcuffs". Now, I have to admit to being slightly concerned at the time and I wondered what his reasoning was for buying such an odd item? I was therefore pretty relieved when he gave the handcuffs and the key to our children to play cops and robbers with. Later however, this purchase was responsible for one of the most embarrassing moments in my lifetime. Now I know how your minds are probably working, but this is what happened. Can you imagine how mortified I felt when I had to phone the mother of a child, who had been invited over to play, to explain the following: "I am so sorry, but please could you delay the collection of your son as he is currently handcuffed to the taps in our kitchen and the key has been mislaid. I will call you when Alan returns with a hacksaw to free him". Fortunately, the handcuffs were then disposed of and instructions were given to Alan on more appropriate gifts that he could purchase in future.
So what do you think, does Alan like children? Well I think that the evidence here speaks for itself. Just take my advice and don't leave your children unsupervised with Alan. AT ANY TIME.
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Alan Titchmarsh? No just Alan
Yes, it's that time of year again. For the last 5 years, Alan has been the proud owner of an allotment and every spring, excitement mounts as he plans, cogitates and prepares his garden. As usual our lovely sunny conservatory is turned into a smelly potting shed. Potatoes have been carefully laid out on egg boxes and picnic tables covered in newspaper are arranged with seed trays full of dirty compost.
Alan continues to display strange behaviour on a regular basis, and this weekend has been no different. I have to admit to being slightly confused when yesterday, he spent 4 hours at the allotment in continuous heavy driving rain, only to arrive home completely dry? Now, there could be various reasons for this. Is Alan having an affair? Is Alan sat idrinking tea n the Allotment Shop with Stuart, the manager? God forbid, is Alan having an affair with the Allotment Shop Manager?!! During intensive questioning, Alan finally confessed that he had been shopping. Now, those of you that know Alan will know that this is his other hobby and is perfectly believable however later observations have thrown up some doubt. The poorly geranium on our kitchen windowsill, has no leaves and bright red blooms on 12inch stems. As it is in dire need of chopping up and having cuttings taking, I queried this with Alan. He simply replied that he "had no compost". Now, interestingly, Alan stated yesterday that he had been shopping to the garden centre. Do you not think that compost would have been purchased then? Alan said that he had forgotten it but I am not so sure. I think I need to keep a close eye on Alan and Stuart. Watch this space.
Today, Although I tasked Alan to find a little holiday cottage for us to rent, he was once again distracted and drew a very detailed plan of what is going to be grown on his allotment. There will be juicy soft summer fruits, bright coulorful scented flowers and delicious freshly grown vegetables. One spot on the map was simply marked "gooseberry" but I was not able to work out if this was a fruit bush or where Alan would sit to have his lunch! I don't think he was amused when I questioned him. Oh, and we still don't have a holiday cottage booked.
Today the sun came out and Alan was chuffed with his progress. The egg trays full of smelly shooting potatoes were removed from the conservatory (hooray), and Alan proudly announced that he now had 7 rows of potatoes planted and ready to grow. Oh dear, I thought. When will Alan realise that there are only 2 of us here to feed. Recently I passed a maths qualification needed for a course that I am enrolled to. This came in very handy for working out the following. If Alan planted an average of 12 potatoes per row, and each plant produces approximately 10 potatoes, I make that a total of 840 potatoes arriving in the summer. Considering that we eat a lot of rice and pasta and only about 20 potatoes a month, I forecast that we will have a surplus of about 600 potatoes!
I will keep you updated with the status of the allotment over the next few months but in the meantime, I need to get on the phone and see if I can do a deal with Mr Walkers.
Alan continues to display strange behaviour on a regular basis, and this weekend has been no different. I have to admit to being slightly confused when yesterday, he spent 4 hours at the allotment in continuous heavy driving rain, only to arrive home completely dry? Now, there could be various reasons for this. Is Alan having an affair? Is Alan sat idrinking tea n the Allotment Shop with Stuart, the manager? God forbid, is Alan having an affair with the Allotment Shop Manager?!! During intensive questioning, Alan finally confessed that he had been shopping. Now, those of you that know Alan will know that this is his other hobby and is perfectly believable however later observations have thrown up some doubt. The poorly geranium on our kitchen windowsill, has no leaves and bright red blooms on 12inch stems. As it is in dire need of chopping up and having cuttings taking, I queried this with Alan. He simply replied that he "had no compost". Now, interestingly, Alan stated yesterday that he had been shopping to the garden centre. Do you not think that compost would have been purchased then? Alan said that he had forgotten it but I am not so sure. I think I need to keep a close eye on Alan and Stuart. Watch this space.
Today, Although I tasked Alan to find a little holiday cottage for us to rent, he was once again distracted and drew a very detailed plan of what is going to be grown on his allotment. There will be juicy soft summer fruits, bright coulorful scented flowers and delicious freshly grown vegetables. One spot on the map was simply marked "gooseberry" but I was not able to work out if this was a fruit bush or where Alan would sit to have his lunch! I don't think he was amused when I questioned him. Oh, and we still don't have a holiday cottage booked.
Today the sun came out and Alan was chuffed with his progress. The egg trays full of smelly shooting potatoes were removed from the conservatory (hooray), and Alan proudly announced that he now had 7 rows of potatoes planted and ready to grow. Oh dear, I thought. When will Alan realise that there are only 2 of us here to feed. Recently I passed a maths qualification needed for a course that I am enrolled to. This came in very handy for working out the following. If Alan planted an average of 12 potatoes per row, and each plant produces approximately 10 potatoes, I make that a total of 840 potatoes arriving in the summer. Considering that we eat a lot of rice and pasta and only about 20 potatoes a month, I forecast that we will have a surplus of about 600 potatoes!
I will keep you updated with the status of the allotment over the next few months but in the meantime, I need to get on the phone and see if I can do a deal with Mr Walkers.
Friday, 5 April 2013
Our week. Featuring; The Isle of Mull, Dogging, Class Calculator and a Wide Mouth Frog.
After a busy Easter weekend things are back to normal in our household. Work has been as busy as usual but thanks to my lovely colleagues, we have had a few laughs. A slight slip up nearly caused catastrophic embarrassment when discussing the TV highlights of the week. I was interested to hear that Channel 4 were showing a documentary on the activity of 'Dogging'. My limited knowledge of this weird pastime comes from tales relating to a nearby layby on the A31 and so I was intrigued to find out what really goes on in the woods at night. My colleague was very thoughtful and decided to email me the details I required. Unfortunately, I did not receive the said email and so panic ensued. Who had received my email? I have to say that I was slightly worried when I considered the fact that another colleagues had got my message "Hi Sally. Dogging, Thursday night at 10pm." Would I be able to show my face at work again? Fortunately the wording was not quite as I had imagined and on checking the facts, phew, the email had gone to a safe place. The Dogging programme was pretty rubbish but a few interesting facts were noted. One particular lorry driver announced that 70% of his mates indulged in this hobby. Interesting, as lorry drivers crop up later in my blog. Alan was also keen to watch Dogging on Channel 4 as he thought that it would be interesting to see someone he knew. Personally, I think he was making sure that the TV cameras had not managed to catch him up to no good!!
This week, as a bit of fun, I decided to carry out the BBC Class Calculator so that I could identify where abouts on the new scale, I am located. I was quite impressed to find out that I am in the Established Middle Class band. Alan said that this is bollocks so on further investigation, I discovered that 45% of the population are also Established Middle Class. Oh dear, the only conclusion that I have made is that in this case, I must be common. Trust Alan to spoil my fun. Interestingly, if I had socialised with lorry drivers, I would have fallen down the class ladder a couple of notches so I think they must have watched the dogging programme on Channel 4 too.
I know that my readers are interested in Alan's strange behaviour and he doesn't disappoint. Now Alan is not what you will call a literary man and his reading material mainly consists of 'The Sun' and 'Electrician Weekly' . A trip to Waterstones or the library does not feature on Alans agenda so that is why the following occurance caused me some bemusement. After a holiday in 1998 to the Isle of Mull, Alan has been traipsing around book shops, and tralling the Internet for a book that he had seen at a friends house in Scotland. At last after 15 years, 'The Beautiful Isle of Mull' by Thomas Hannan has been found and purchased. Alan was exited to show me his new book. I imagined a lovely large book with amazing glossy photos of beautiful Scottish Countryside and scenic photographs of mountains, glens and rivers, but no. Instead, 6 x 4 inches in size, nearly 100 years old, a few grainy black and white photos with lots of writing and mouldy edged pages, this book was not what I was expecting. Alan proudly explained that thanks to EBay, the book had come all the way from Chicago in the USA at a cost of $56. Well I have to say that I did cough a little at this and i made a note to myself...let the boys know its value so that it doesn't go in the bin when we are no longer here. At least the book is finally here and Alan can focus on more pressing tasks like painting the hallway. I am sure now that 'The Beautiful Isle of Mull' by Thomas Hannan will be placed onto our bookshelves next to Alan's only other book purchase. 'Fly Fishing' by J R Hartley!
I will end my blog quietly and calmly which is completely the opposite to the way I ended my working afternoon earlier. It was fun to leave my work mates in fits of laughter but the 'Wide Mouth Frog' joke has really played havoc with my lips!
Keep smiling :-))
This week, as a bit of fun, I decided to carry out the BBC Class Calculator so that I could identify where abouts on the new scale, I am located. I was quite impressed to find out that I am in the Established Middle Class band. Alan said that this is bollocks so on further investigation, I discovered that 45% of the population are also Established Middle Class. Oh dear, the only conclusion that I have made is that in this case, I must be common. Trust Alan to spoil my fun. Interestingly, if I had socialised with lorry drivers, I would have fallen down the class ladder a couple of notches so I think they must have watched the dogging programme on Channel 4 too.
I know that my readers are interested in Alan's strange behaviour and he doesn't disappoint. Now Alan is not what you will call a literary man and his reading material mainly consists of 'The Sun' and 'Electrician Weekly' . A trip to Waterstones or the library does not feature on Alans agenda so that is why the following occurance caused me some bemusement. After a holiday in 1998 to the Isle of Mull, Alan has been traipsing around book shops, and tralling the Internet for a book that he had seen at a friends house in Scotland. At last after 15 years, 'The Beautiful Isle of Mull' by Thomas Hannan has been found and purchased. Alan was exited to show me his new book. I imagined a lovely large book with amazing glossy photos of beautiful Scottish Countryside and scenic photographs of mountains, glens and rivers, but no. Instead, 6 x 4 inches in size, nearly 100 years old, a few grainy black and white photos with lots of writing and mouldy edged pages, this book was not what I was expecting. Alan proudly explained that thanks to EBay, the book had come all the way from Chicago in the USA at a cost of $56. Well I have to say that I did cough a little at this and i made a note to myself...let the boys know its value so that it doesn't go in the bin when we are no longer here. At least the book is finally here and Alan can focus on more pressing tasks like painting the hallway. I am sure now that 'The Beautiful Isle of Mull' by Thomas Hannan will be placed onto our bookshelves next to Alan's only other book purchase. 'Fly Fishing' by J R Hartley!
I will end my blog quietly and calmly which is completely the opposite to the way I ended my working afternoon earlier. It was fun to leave my work mates in fits of laughter but the 'Wide Mouth Frog' joke has really played havoc with my lips!
Keep smiling :-))
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