Well it seems that Spring has arrived and the sun is showing itself at last. Whilst everyone starts to chill out and enjoy the lovely weather, the opposite is true for Alan. This is why. Once again, the children in our street are able to whizz up and down the road on their bikes and exciting games of football are taking place on the grassy area at the side of our house. Now when you were young, I am sure that you all remember having a neighbour who was less than friendly and perhaps you even named him Victor Meldrew? Well I have come to the conclusion that Alan is ours. Only last week, the mother of a sweet little 6 year old girl had to come and knock on the door as her daughter was in floods of tears. Her football had been accidentally kicked into our garden an Alan had decided not to throw it back. "They bloody well do it on purpose" he said, although I can't really see why they would jeopardise their fun in this way. Also, Alan shot out of the house in a rage the other day to "give them a piece of his mind", when he thought that the sporadic dull thuds that he could hear in the kitchen were them kicking the ball against our side wall. In actual fact, and to my amusement, it was only a pair of trainers having a quick wash in the washing machine that were causing the thuds, but it was fun to watch him run outside and then return slightly confused. I am pleased to report that the children have now devised an early warning system for when Alan returns home from work. They were heard whispering " quick, he's home. Lets get out of here".
Alan has not always had this dislike for children. When ours were young he was keen to do 'man' things with them and teach them useful skills. While watching an old home video recently, I was reminded of when Alan was responsible for the purchase of No. 3 sons' Christmas present. "A tool box would be really handy" and "he would be well chuffed to receive this" said Alan. I am not really convinced that Father Christmas makes a habit of delivering gifts such as an axe, a hacksaw and a Stanley knife to 10 year olds, but he did that year! (Health & Safety was not really on Alan's mind in those days.)
There is one other event that sticks in my mind that I shall tell you about. Alan is very keen on attending car boot sales and would often shoot off on a Sunday morning in search of so called 'bargains'. Well, this particular day, he returned home, pleased as punch with his latest purchase, which believe it or not, was a pair of handcuffs. "These are real" he announced. "Not some plastic cheap toys, but real metal handcuffs". Now, I have to admit to being slightly concerned at the time and I wondered what his reasoning was for buying such an odd item? I was therefore pretty relieved when he gave the handcuffs and the key to our children to play cops and robbers with. Later however, this purchase was responsible for one of the most embarrassing moments in my lifetime. Now I know how your minds are probably working, but this is what happened. Can you imagine how mortified I felt when I had to phone the mother of a child, who had been invited over to play, to explain the following: "I am so sorry, but please could you delay the collection of your son as he is currently handcuffed to the taps in our kitchen and the key has been mislaid. I will call you when Alan returns with a hacksaw to free him". Fortunately, the handcuffs were then disposed of and instructions were given to Alan on more appropriate gifts that he could purchase in future.
So what do you think, does Alan like children? Well I think that the evidence here speaks for itself. Just take my advice and don't leave your children unsupervised with Alan. AT ANY TIME.
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