I am pleased to say that the stag and his mates have returned safe and sound from 'The Dam'. (See last blog!) I performed my dutiful wife bit and collected him from the airport however he did look a little tired and worse for wear. He was pleased to be back in one piece and informed me that he had narrowly missed out on having "Sally" tattooed on his butt cheek. I think the tattooist should be very relieved as it would not have been the best view in the world.
Alan's mates have known him for quite a while and are aware of the pitfalls of sleeping in the same room. Some were very organised and packed their ear plugs into their suitcases, however, some did not. Apparently on the second night, Alan was relegated to the shower room which had a door that could be firmly closed. Alan's mattress was lifted and carried from the bed into the shower room with him still asleep on it and everyone was able to sleep again.
Rather a lot of alcohol was consumed over the weekend and Alan informed me that he had been tricked into drinking some Spanish Fly. On referring to the online search engine of Google, it tells you that Spanish Fly is a form of aphrodisiac or Viagra. Fortunately there seemed to be no side effects from this, or indeed no effects at all much to Alan's disappointment! Actually it did say that in extreme circumstances, you could die so it must have been Alan's lucky day!
Well, so far these are the only tales that I have been informed off but if Alan reveals any further information or talks in his sleep, you shall be the first to know.
Monday, 25 March 2013
Friday, 22 March 2013
Alan in Amsterdam
You have all heard of 'Tulips in Amsterdam' but this weekend it is Alan's turn. Along with a dozen or so mates, he has gone for a weekend of culture and frivolity. It is actually a stag weekend but Alan has reassured me that they will be visiting Librarys'and the 'Van Gogh Museum'. I was impressed with his preparation as he informed me that he had learnt a useful little phrase. "Bril Omhoog" has been perfected and according to his mate translates to "Glassess Up" however, there may be foul play at hand as it has been suggested that "Toilet Seat Up" or "I want to be gang banged by dwarfs" may be more likely.
In Alan's current employment, he has become very 'Health & Safety' aware and so before embarking on his trip, he has carried out a rather basic risk assessment. Do not eat any mushrooms that may be offered and do not fall in any canals. Yes, that is it! Actually, he was going to leave his new iPhone 5 at home, as falling in canals worried him, but I eventually managed to persuade him to take it as a safety feature. I thought that with its GPS setting installed, it may come in handy for tracking him down if he goes missing, especially if he comes across any dwarfs.
In Alan's lifetime, he has experienced quite a few interesting stag weekends and has many stories to tell. I am sure more tales will emerge from 'The Dam' as Alan has referred to his trip, but please can we have you all back in one piece without any injuries or arrests this time. Please note, no more garden chairs or silverware are required (please tell lightfingered Dan). The 'wetting your trousers competition' is very childish, stealing boats is illegal, running around naked is embarrassing and necking a bottle of oak leaf wine at breakfast will play havoc with your liver. Ending the weekend with an anus like a blood orange was also painful so please do not indulge in daffodil eating again. (I am sure this will probably include tulips too.)
Hopefully, there will be a video or two taken, so that Alan and his friends can reflect on their activities. Last time, the 'Dave Production Company' were very creative and produced a film called "Man having a beer baby". Alan took the lead role and weirdly, this has proved very popular on You Yube, being watched by no less than 4500 viewers!
Alan is due back home on Sunday and I can only keep my fingers crossed that they do actually let him come back. He last returned with the nickname 'Rear Admiral Whip Me Senseless Bucknole' so we shall see what Sunday brings. Watch this space!
In Alan's current employment, he has become very 'Health & Safety' aware and so before embarking on his trip, he has carried out a rather basic risk assessment. Do not eat any mushrooms that may be offered and do not fall in any canals. Yes, that is it! Actually, he was going to leave his new iPhone 5 at home, as falling in canals worried him, but I eventually managed to persuade him to take it as a safety feature. I thought that with its GPS setting installed, it may come in handy for tracking him down if he goes missing, especially if he comes across any dwarfs.
In Alan's lifetime, he has experienced quite a few interesting stag weekends and has many stories to tell. I am sure more tales will emerge from 'The Dam' as Alan has referred to his trip, but please can we have you all back in one piece without any injuries or arrests this time. Please note, no more garden chairs or silverware are required (please tell lightfingered Dan). The 'wetting your trousers competition' is very childish, stealing boats is illegal, running around naked is embarrassing and necking a bottle of oak leaf wine at breakfast will play havoc with your liver. Ending the weekend with an anus like a blood orange was also painful so please do not indulge in daffodil eating again. (I am sure this will probably include tulips too.)
Hopefully, there will be a video or two taken, so that Alan and his friends can reflect on their activities. Last time, the 'Dave Production Company' were very creative and produced a film called "Man having a beer baby". Alan took the lead role and weirdly, this has proved very popular on You Yube, being watched by no less than 4500 viewers!
Alan is due back home on Sunday and I can only keep my fingers crossed that they do actually let him come back. He last returned with the nickname 'Rear Admiral Whip Me Senseless Bucknole' so we shall see what Sunday brings. Watch this space!
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
Alan and the 'Bake Off'.
Alan is not the best cook in the world. Only 2 weeks ago, he narrowly avoided setting fire to the kitchen when cooking my jacket potato in the microwave. I was slightly concerned when I arrived home to a smoky fog and a black charcoal formation on my dinner plate. "It's time for a bit of tuition" I thought to myself. Especially as Alan is planning to enter the 'Great Sparsholt Bake Off' to show off his skills. As I am sure that the Sparsholt staff do not want a visit from the Hampshire Fire Brigade, (mind you, some of us wouldn't mind!) I offered him some tips:
Tip No 1. When cooking a fist size potato in the microwave, do not set the timer for 10 minutes and then go off for a shower. You need to concentrate on the job at hand and not become distracted. Oh yes, that brings me on to,
Tip No 2. Timing is everything. When the instructions on the pizza box say "Cook for 10 mins", you do not have to wait until it is a dark brown colour and crispy texture. I know it is difficult when the TV programme you are watching is on for 30 mins but you really need to get up earlier and remove from the oven.
Tip No 3. Quantity. Portion size is important to get right and I know that this can be tricky. The amazing kedgeree that you made was delicious for the first time that I had it, but by day 5, it had slightly lost its appeal. Darling Alan, please remember that there are 2 of us. Not 20.
Tip No 4. When boiling sugar and fruit to make jam, please remember that the key word 'boiling' actually means very, very, very hot. Pouring it into my plastic sieve was not the most intelligent thing that you have done. Was it surprising that the bottom fell out onto the floor along with the jam?!
Tip No 5 is a bit of an odd one really. When cooking an omelette in a frying pan, be careful with the lid. Watching you continuously bashing it on the draining board because a vacuum prevented the lid from coming off, was a slightly disturbing experience. The steam coming from your facial orifices and the purple colour of your face did worry me. Not to mention the eventual state of the omelette! Please STAY CALM at all times.
Moving on to the 'Bake Off', Alan had decided to enter the 'Principles Preserves' class and the 'Technical Challenge' (gulp). A jar of summer strawberry jam and freshly prepared marmalade (Alan called this his "Paddingtons' Special Reserve") were duly labelled up. For the technical challenge, Alan had to make 6 scones. This took a bit of planning so after consulting Delia, Jamie, Nigella and a few of their friends for about 2 hours, he got down to his baking. I think he had listened to my tips apart from the quantity part, as he managed to generously deliver scones to his sister, our son and our 2 Mums for Mothers Day. Still, he had his 6 perfect specimens for the competition and they duly set off to Sparsholt, along with the jam to be tasted, scrutinised, judged and finally marked in the big competition.
The results are now in and I am pleased to inform you all that Alan's strawberry jam and Paddingtons Special Reserve came in at a respectable 2nd and 3rd placing from approximately 12 entries. As for the scones, they did well coming in at runners up. (There were only 3 entries in this class but we won't mention that!)
Alan agonised over entering his Paddingtons Special Reserve Marmalade as he really wanted it for his breakfast. In the end, as all entries were to be sold off for charity, I was tasked to buy it back for him. This would have made it a very expensive jar of marmalade after already spending out on the ingredients and paying an entry fee, however some other lucky person snapped it up before me and will be enjoying it for the next few weeks on their toast.
Overall Alan is very pleased with himself and is already thinking about what he could make as a 'Show Stopper Challenge" if they run the 'Bake Off' again. When informing him of his success his words were, "Just call me Gordon". I know his language is up to Gordon's standard but feel he will need a bit more work on his baking!
Tip No 1. When cooking a fist size potato in the microwave, do not set the timer for 10 minutes and then go off for a shower. You need to concentrate on the job at hand and not become distracted. Oh yes, that brings me on to,
Tip No 2. Timing is everything. When the instructions on the pizza box say "Cook for 10 mins", you do not have to wait until it is a dark brown colour and crispy texture. I know it is difficult when the TV programme you are watching is on for 30 mins but you really need to get up earlier and remove from the oven.
Tip No 3. Quantity. Portion size is important to get right and I know that this can be tricky. The amazing kedgeree that you made was delicious for the first time that I had it, but by day 5, it had slightly lost its appeal. Darling Alan, please remember that there are 2 of us. Not 20.
Tip No 4. When boiling sugar and fruit to make jam, please remember that the key word 'boiling' actually means very, very, very hot. Pouring it into my plastic sieve was not the most intelligent thing that you have done. Was it surprising that the bottom fell out onto the floor along with the jam?!
Tip No 5 is a bit of an odd one really. When cooking an omelette in a frying pan, be careful with the lid. Watching you continuously bashing it on the draining board because a vacuum prevented the lid from coming off, was a slightly disturbing experience. The steam coming from your facial orifices and the purple colour of your face did worry me. Not to mention the eventual state of the omelette! Please STAY CALM at all times.
Moving on to the 'Bake Off', Alan had decided to enter the 'Principles Preserves' class and the 'Technical Challenge' (gulp). A jar of summer strawberry jam and freshly prepared marmalade (Alan called this his "Paddingtons' Special Reserve") were duly labelled up. For the technical challenge, Alan had to make 6 scones. This took a bit of planning so after consulting Delia, Jamie, Nigella and a few of their friends for about 2 hours, he got down to his baking. I think he had listened to my tips apart from the quantity part, as he managed to generously deliver scones to his sister, our son and our 2 Mums for Mothers Day. Still, he had his 6 perfect specimens for the competition and they duly set off to Sparsholt, along with the jam to be tasted, scrutinised, judged and finally marked in the big competition.
The results are now in and I am pleased to inform you all that Alan's strawberry jam and Paddingtons Special Reserve came in at a respectable 2nd and 3rd placing from approximately 12 entries. As for the scones, they did well coming in at runners up. (There were only 3 entries in this class but we won't mention that!)
Alan agonised over entering his Paddingtons Special Reserve Marmalade as he really wanted it for his breakfast. In the end, as all entries were to be sold off for charity, I was tasked to buy it back for him. This would have made it a very expensive jar of marmalade after already spending out on the ingredients and paying an entry fee, however some other lucky person snapped it up before me and will be enjoying it for the next few weeks on their toast.
Overall Alan is very pleased with himself and is already thinking about what he could make as a 'Show Stopper Challenge" if they run the 'Bake Off' again. When informing him of his success his words were, "Just call me Gordon". I know his language is up to Gordon's standard but feel he will need a bit more work on his baking!
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