Election Fever in Eastleigh

Into politics? Eastleigh is the place to be. Unfortunately, the majority of Eastleigh residents probably wish that they had lived elsewhere during the last couple of weeks. 'The Big Guns have been wheeled out' according to the papers, with the highlight being....No, not the Prime Minister or even the Deputy Prime Minister but dear old Boris who, looking like an overgrown schoolboy having a bad hair day, everyone loves!

It has been very interesting to watch Alan read and digest the tonnes of information that has been thrust through our letter box.  The green recycling bins will all be full of the same rubbish which must amuse the dustmen! Every evening, we have been delighted to receive many lovely ("WHY DON'T YOU JUST BOG OFF") telephone calls from friendly people wanting little chats with us and our door bell is looking forward to a rest, not only from being rung, but from Alan shouting four letter words at it.

With 14 weird and wonderful candidates putting themselves up for election and Alan's love of dodgy outdated music, I thought that the "Elvis Loves Pets Party" would definitely be the chosen one but then I remembered that Alan loves beer and crumpet more.  Yes, there really is a Beer, Baccy and Crumpet Party! Alan had commented that the guy from the Peace Party looked strange and that he would enjoy a Dave Gig, (not sure what that says about us as we have enjoyed Dave Gigs for the last 20 years!) so I thought maybe this would be an option but after changing his mind on a daily basis, his vote was finally cast today.  My vote has also been successfully cast after embarrassingly queuing in the wrong place and narrowly avoiding the Weight Watchers meeting that was taking place in the next room!

And lastly, I am proud to report that number one son voted for the first ever time today. It has taken him 9 years but I feel that he has finally come of age. He was a bit unsure as to who he had voted for as he was in a hurry but practice will make perfect!

Alan's idea

You may have read my earlier post that referred to the purchase of Alan's new van. To enable the purchase of this, Alan had to borrow money some money from the bank and today Alan was keen to discuss a great opportunity for paying it back.  You see, Alan has read an article in the paper explaining how becoming a sperm donor can earn you lots of money.  "You can earn up to £250 a time" Alan was keen to tell me. Hmm, I thought, this could be interesting!

Alan then went on to explain that in his opinion, he would be a perfect specimen of a man for this purpose. " I am in excellent health, have really good eyesight for a man approaching 50, and there is no record of cancer in my family history".  He then said " I am certain that I would be the ideal type of person that most women would be looking for".  This then got me to thinking how all men think that they are gods gift to women.  Has Alan forgotten about his receding hair line, his shorter than average legs or his beer belly? His ingrowing toe nails, rosy cheeks and larger than average ear lobes? Now Alan, I love you as you are but it is your self confidence that astounds me!!

Anyway, Alan has not mentioned his new possible career prospect again today so I will update you if he sends off for an application form!

Tricked!

The fun of being married is getting one over on your hubby.  A perfect example occurred earlier this week when a few sneaky moves enabled me to become a scary stalker. Flicking through interesting apps on my iPhone, I discovered an app called "find your friends". Now that we all have mobile phones with GPS settings, we can be located in an instant by the large telephone companies.  How useful this could be when hubby Alan disappears for hours without leaving a note I thought. My fingers hastily downloaded this new fascinating app and my deception began. "Alan" I said, "I have a new app that has the ability to locate your mobile if it is lost or stolen." "It's a bit like Big Brother" he replies. "Can I add you" I politely ask.  He wasn't really sure but because he has good manners, he happily replied to the link that I sent him and Hey Presto, the deed was done.

And so my stalking has begun. At breakfast, I can see if he has arrived at his work destination safely. When I am at work, I can see if he is still working at 3pm or if he has worked a short day and is at home shopping on the Internet.  There are many useful advantages but none can beat today's. On arriving home from work, and finding the house in darkness, it was apparent that Alan was out.  "Where could he be?" I pondered. And then I remembered my app. Within a few seconds I had identified that he was 7 miles away in Winchester and it was then that I had a light bulb moment. I realised that I could curl up in a chair with my book and by regularly checking my app, I would be able to see when he was coming home. This was perfect. I tracked him until about 2 miles from home then I made my way quickly to the kitchen and started cooking tea. It was only a 10 minute stir fry so when  Alan walked through the door, I was putting it out on a plate! He was none the wiser and I could smugly eat my tea without any guilt! I advise you all to try it.

I am sure that my stalking abilities will have untold uses so watch this space.

The new van

Alan has never really grown up.  We have been married for 28 years and his exploits never cease to amaze me.

This week, Alan has purchased a new van. The old van is on its last legs and it's indoor shower is starting to lose it's appeal. After weeks of studying various different van shapes, colours, ages and sizes on eBay, he struck it lucky. (Or so he says!) A white Ford Transit Connect that he had been watching and that had then sold, suddenly came back into the picture. It's sale had fallen through and it's owner had chosen Alan to be its new lucky owner. A bargain price of £3,150 cash was agreed and the van collection arranged. Oh yes,I forgot to tell you that  it lived a mere 78 miles away in Croydon! Alan, as safety conscious as ever, collected his cash from the bank, tucked it firmly in his pocket and set off on a busy Friday night on the train to London. After changing at Clappham Junction he finally arrived at the station that was to be his meeting point.  Once here, with cash still safely stashed, he met the seller, a complete stranger, and was driven to finally meet his new van.  Fortunately there was not a gang of muggers waiting to meet a gullible southerner and the transaction took place in the sellers kitchen over a cup of tea. Alan, pleased as punch, drove his new toy home and they both lived happily ever after. (Well so far anyway!)

For Sale.

White van, pretty old, pretty unreliable, central locking that does not work, petrol gauge that has lost it's ability to measure its petrol and indoor shower. Offers invited.

Am I a virgin?

My perfect working day would be to wake up, feed the cats and walk my lovely pack of dogs over the downs in the hazy early sunshine. I would follow this with a light breakfast and then take a steaming mug of coffee off to my study to spend the morning writing, with my cats and dogs curled up around my feet. A large bay window would allow the sun to stream in and during well earned breaks, I would be able to gaze out at wonderful views of the countryside and see my majestic horses grazing in their paddocks at the bottom of the garden. .....................Ok, ok, ok, stop there. Firstly I have no cats, dogs or horses and I live in the middle of a housing estate. My garden is about the size of a postage stamp and has a six foot wooden fence on every side. No view there then! As for writing, I do sit at a desk in an office at Sparsholt College and send brief emails on a regular basis. Does this count as writing? Perhaps not.  And so the reason for this blog is born.

If you are not already bored, please read on.

I am slowly approaching half a century and have decided that I would really like to give this writing lark a go before I pop my clogs. I know that I need to focus on a topic that I know well so I have chosen my poor family to be the subject of my ramblings. I have a husband called Alan, and 3 grown up boys, Matt aged 27, Alex aged 25 and Freddie aged 22. Between them, I could fill pages with their exploits so that should keep me going for a while.

Am I a blog virgin? Yes, but after today I will be able to say that I am a writer - however bad. I hope that you enjoy my stories.