Today's blog could end up in divorce, because its on the topic of driving. As long as we have been on the road, there have been debates on whether Men or Women are the better drivers. Let me tell you about Alan.
Firstly, Alan is the only person that I know, who has managed to throw himself through the back windscreen of a car when riding a Puch Maxi. Now, those of you of a younger generation will not know what one of these is, so I suggest you ask the master of all knowledge that is 'Google' if you are not sure. Your first thought might be that young reckless teenager Alan was riding a super bike resembling a rocket so fast, that he propelled himself into the said car. However, this was not the case. In actual fact, he was bombing along at about 20 miles an hour, and neglected to see a car reversing along the road towards him. Luckily, although the driver of the car was a bit shocked to find an intruder arrive in his back seat, nobody was seriously hurt. It was time for Alan to progress to the safer option of 4 wheels and find a car.
The Hillman Imp is not really a cool option for a car. (Once again, refer to Google images) Resembling a matchbox on wheels, with something akin to a lawn mower engine in the boot, it would not have been my first choice. Alan however, was in love with his little car and did emphasise quite a lot that it was not just a Hillman Imp, but a Hillman Imp Sport. Well, obviously this made all the difference and to enhance Alan's manly image, he proceeded to pimp the car and add a 6 foot arial on the roof. This was to assist with the CB radio reception which was a priority in those days. In the old days, it was very trendy to have a coloured sticker right across the top of you windscreen with your name printed on it. Alan decided to purchase one of these stickers, as the final touch required to make his super car, super cool. Instead of having his proper name printed, he went for his CB handle. (For those of you under the age of 40, this is like an appropriate 'user name' that you choose for yourself, for when you use a CB radio.) You may think Alan would go for something like 'Butch Bucknole' or 'Handsom Hulk' but no, Alan's car was labelled with 'Worzel'. (A not overly attractive scarecrow off the telly!) Alan's car was now ready for the road. One of my memories of Alan's first journey was when he took my Mum for a spin around Alresford to show off his new wheels. Alan can get easily distracted, and on spotting a friend walking up the town, Alan momentarily forgot that he was driving. As he also forgot to look where he was going and took a little trip on the pavement, frightening my mum to death!
In 1981, Alan went to college. At last, with the influence of his mates, he got a bit more classy and borrowed £500 to purchase a canary yellow Ford Capri. This was more like it! Built to look more like a rocket than the Hillman Imp, you had to basically lay down in the driving seat with your legs outstretched before you, as the required driving position. Unfortunately, one evening, Alan managed to implant this lovely car into a big grassy bank, when he was taking a sharp bend at the speed of a formula 1 car. The trusty Haynes Manual had to come out and a few trips to the scrap yard were made before it was fixed and back on the road.
Other little incidents came later and include Alan driving into the back of a car, whilst in a slow moving queue in Winchester. Once again, he was waving to someone he spotted near by and didn't realise that the cars in front had stopped. Another time, 2 weeks after buying our shiny new car, Alan decided to put the wind up a young Lada driver who was driving too close behind him. Alan put on the brakes to give him a shock and he ploughed right into the back of us. Our new car spent two weeks in the garage but the Lada that was built like a tank, didn't have a scratch on it.
Alan used to be what we call a 'Sunday Driver', but since leaving the farm I have to admit that he has improved. He now drives miles for work every day, but age seems to have been accompanied by impatience and Alan now gets 'road rage'. If you do not indicate on a roundabout, travel endlessly in the middle lane of the motorway, overtake in your lorry and hold the traffic up, dither at traffic lights or take your time parallel parking, look out for Alan. He will be the one giving you hand signals from the car behind!
Saturday, 18 May 2013
Sunday, 5 May 2013
Alan's best friend.
Alan has lots of good friends and if you think that you could be top of the list, I am sorry to bring disapointment. That acolade goes to the one and only 'Jack Daniels'. In fact I have come to the conclusion that any drink with an alcoholic content of more than 4% could be in the running as Alan's best friend. I have often wondered where Alan's love of alcohol has come from and after a bit of thought, I have come to the conclusion that his Grandmother and Grandfather (god rest their souls) may well be responsible. His Grandma was renowned for her sherry trifle, which should in fact have been called 'trifle sherry' due to the volumn of drink that she would pour into the bowl. In addition, I once witnessed his Grandad putting a 'little something stronger' in Alan's coffee. while we were visiting one day for a chat. "What is wrong with this" I hear you say, but I am sure that Cinzano is not the choice of normal people? Is it?
Alan seems to have given himself a bit of a reputation for being a drinker. When invited to friends parties, you never know what he will produce as his contribution. When most people would bring crisps or sausage rolls, Alan will turn up with two dozen absynth jellies in assorted colours, conveniently set in shot glasses. Only yesterday when attending a post wedding cheese and wine party, instead of a nice cabernet sauvignon, Alan brought vodka, ginger beer and a bag of limes. He then preceded to make jugs of Moscow Mules, (a very tasty cocktail) for everyone. And yes, they were very nice, but I was a little concerned that the brides father may topple over when he eventually stood up from his chair. He did rather enjoy a glass or six!
For any responsible parents still reading, please skip this paragraph as it may spoil you current opinion of Alan. When your 10 year old son asks if we can pop into The Flower Pots for a glass of Stowford Press I have to say that alarm bells were set off. Was Alan's love of alcohol rubbing off on the children? Once, when given a couple of bags of spare apples, Alan tutored our number 3 son in producing a rather tasty batch of apple cider wine. Don't normal people make pies or crumbles? Oh, and how many mums have had to stop their 12 year old son from selling apple cider wine to his school friends at £5 per bottle? Luckily, nobody thought to tip off customs and excise and he got away with it, banking £20 in the process. I think Alan was a bit jealous as he had not had the same level of success when making up his 'Party Four'' kit from Boots in the 70's.
It is scary to think how much Alan's love of drink has cost us financially but a few bairgains have been purchased over the years. One notable occasion was when Alan did a bit of wheeling and dealing and managed to buy a dead mans' home made wine collection for £10. "Timing is everything" said a well chuffed Alan. The following day he joined a stag party for a weekend of boating and fun. Alan's bargain paid off as it was reported that he had preceded to drink a whole bottle of oak leaf wine for his breakfast saving on the purchase of eggs, bacon, toast and tea. Alan can be quite odd sometimes.
We all know that Christmas is a time for drinking and merryment. Alan always seems to have to take things to the extreme and last Christmas was no exception. Alan announced that he wanted Kellogs Frosties for his breakfast. I just tend to go with the flow, but I did feel slightly sick when he covered them in lashings of Baileys Irish Cream. His response was "IT'S CHRISTMAS!
Anyway, to finish my writing today, we will end where we started, with Mr Daniels. Alan is currently working on a project to convert a Jack Daniels bottle in to a table lamp. He has been in discussion with a clever creative friend and it looks like it will be a goer. OK readers, with the evidence given, would you agree that Alan has alcohol issues? When asking Alan if he thinks he is an alcoholic he says "definitely not. Alcoholics have to have a drink as soon as they wake up, don't they?" Hmmmm, perhaps he should read my blog.
Alan seems to have given himself a bit of a reputation for being a drinker. When invited to friends parties, you never know what he will produce as his contribution. When most people would bring crisps or sausage rolls, Alan will turn up with two dozen absynth jellies in assorted colours, conveniently set in shot glasses. Only yesterday when attending a post wedding cheese and wine party, instead of a nice cabernet sauvignon, Alan brought vodka, ginger beer and a bag of limes. He then preceded to make jugs of Moscow Mules, (a very tasty cocktail) for everyone. And yes, they were very nice, but I was a little concerned that the brides father may topple over when he eventually stood up from his chair. He did rather enjoy a glass or six!
For any responsible parents still reading, please skip this paragraph as it may spoil you current opinion of Alan. When your 10 year old son asks if we can pop into The Flower Pots for a glass of Stowford Press I have to say that alarm bells were set off. Was Alan's love of alcohol rubbing off on the children? Once, when given a couple of bags of spare apples, Alan tutored our number 3 son in producing a rather tasty batch of apple cider wine. Don't normal people make pies or crumbles? Oh, and how many mums have had to stop their 12 year old son from selling apple cider wine to his school friends at £5 per bottle? Luckily, nobody thought to tip off customs and excise and he got away with it, banking £20 in the process. I think Alan was a bit jealous as he had not had the same level of success when making up his 'Party Four'' kit from Boots in the 70's.
It is scary to think how much Alan's love of drink has cost us financially but a few bairgains have been purchased over the years. One notable occasion was when Alan did a bit of wheeling and dealing and managed to buy a dead mans' home made wine collection for £10. "Timing is everything" said a well chuffed Alan. The following day he joined a stag party for a weekend of boating and fun. Alan's bargain paid off as it was reported that he had preceded to drink a whole bottle of oak leaf wine for his breakfast saving on the purchase of eggs, bacon, toast and tea. Alan can be quite odd sometimes.
We all know that Christmas is a time for drinking and merryment. Alan always seems to have to take things to the extreme and last Christmas was no exception. Alan announced that he wanted Kellogs Frosties for his breakfast. I just tend to go with the flow, but I did feel slightly sick when he covered them in lashings of Baileys Irish Cream. His response was "IT'S CHRISTMAS!
Anyway, to finish my writing today, we will end where we started, with Mr Daniels. Alan is currently working on a project to convert a Jack Daniels bottle in to a table lamp. He has been in discussion with a clever creative friend and it looks like it will be a goer. OK readers, with the evidence given, would you agree that Alan has alcohol issues? When asking Alan if he thinks he is an alcoholic he says "definitely not. Alcoholics have to have a drink as soon as they wake up, don't they?" Hmmmm, perhaps he should read my blog.
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